250 Best Funny quotes - Uplift Life Quotes

Comedy and Funny quotes are the way of helping us understand we’re all going through the same things in this crazy world, whether it’s a play on words, an amusing comment on ordinary occurrences, or old witty sayings.

These amusing statements on business, love, friendship, and family will make you exclaim, “So true!” because they are.

Take a break from your day to check out these 255 Funny Quotes from stand-up comedy, novels, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows that are sure to make you laugh.

Table of Contents

Funny quotes

1.“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood.

2.“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” -Joe Girard

3. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” -Lucille Ball

4. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

5. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” —Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

6. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown (Funny quotes)

7. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” -Steven Wright

“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.” -Sid Caesar

9. “If you text “I love you” and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is they don’t love you back” -Chelsea Peretti

10. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg

11. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” -Groucho Marx (Funny quotes)

12. “Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.” – Spanish proverb

13. “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” Garry Shandling

14. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

Funny Quotes about Life

15. “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” -Walter Bagehot

16. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ” -Rodney Dangerfield

17. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” -Harlan Ellison

18. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

19. “Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.” – Mitch Hedberg

20. “It’s fun to complain about someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” -Lew Schneider

21. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner

22. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright(Funny quotes)

23. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?” ― Chris Rock

24. “I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

25.“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

26. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” —Mitch Hedberg

27. “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” – Golda Meir

28. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.” -Mindy Kaling

29. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” ― Billy Sunday(Funny quotes)

30. “This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.” – Oscar Wilde

Funny quotes about love

31. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” -Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts

32. “Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. -Bill Murray

33. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” —President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

34. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ― Phyllis Diller (Funny quotes)

35. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain

36. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ― Ellen DeGeneres

37. “I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.” – Steven Wright

38.” Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” -Chelsea Handler

39. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” —Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

40. “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” -George Burns (Funny quotes)

Short Funny Quotes

41. “I like Kit-Kat unless I’m with four or more people.” -Mitch Hedberg

42. “I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.” -Steven Wright

43. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” -Billy Sunday

44. “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton (Funny quotes)

45. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” -Mark Twain

46. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” -Winston S. Churchill

47. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” -Jean Illsley Clarke

48. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln (Funny quotes)

49. “What the hell is that?” I laughed. “It’s my fox hat.” “Your fox hat?” “Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked. “Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.” ― John Green

50. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” —David Letterman

51. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” -Tim Allen

52. “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” -Will Rogers

53. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” -Albert Einstein *

54. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” -Lawrence Ferlinghetti

55. “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” -Ralphie May

56. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. Women are made to be loved, not understood.” -Oscar Wilde

57. “Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age—as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” -Phyllis Diller (Funny quotes)

58. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey

Laugh Funny Quotes

59. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”― Marilyn Monroe

60. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” -Will Ferrell

61. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” -Rodney Dangerfield

62. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner

63. “That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” -George Carlin (Funny quotes)

64. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we ever had an argument serious enough to mention the word ‘divorce.’ ‘Murder,’ yes, but ‘divorce,’ never.” -Jack Benny

65. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” -Lawrence Ferlinghetti

66. “A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw

67. “I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.” -Steve Skrovan

68. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen

69. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck (Funny quotes)

70. “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”― Lemony Snicke

Funny Quotes from the Office

71. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

72. “They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”― John Green

73. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” -Steven Wright

74. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”― Cathy Guiswite

75. “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” -Gore Vidal

76. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

77. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” —Mark Twain (Funny quotes)

78. “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” ― Einstein

79. “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” -Jimmy Carter

80. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.” -Jerry Seinfeld

81. “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” -Mark Twain

82. “Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.” -Robert A. Heinlein

83. “It’s not because I want to make out with her.” Hold on.” He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he’d just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit” ― John Green

84. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ― Jerry Seinfeld

85. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

86. “That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ― George Carlin

87. “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” -Mark Twain

88. “Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”― Golda Meir (Funny quotes)

89. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” -Henry Youngman

90. “As you get older three things to happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ” -Norman Wisdom

91. “I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.” “It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.” ― Cassandra Clare

92. “When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.” -Rich Hall

93. “I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say. “No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.” Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. “Peeta. Peeta, wake up,” I say in a soft, singsong voice. His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we’ve stabbed him. “Aa!” Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta’s attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.” ― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

94. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”― Yogi Berra (Funny quotes)

95. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

96. “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey

97. “A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”― Bill Cosby

98. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” -Billy Connolly

99. “Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.” Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”― Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

100. “I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel

101. “My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, “Woof!” The other replies, “Moo!” The dog is perplexed. “Moo? Why did you say ‘Moo’?” The other dog says, “I’m trying to learn a foreign language.” -Morey Amsterdam

102. “Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

103. “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins

104.

“Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?” -Robin Williams

105. “Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler (Funny quotes)

106. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” -George Carlin

107. “By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins

108. “I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole

109. A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt

110. “You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.” -Ricky Gervais

111. “I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most.” -Ricky Gervais

112. “The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either.” -Ricky Gervais (Funny quotes)

113. “My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.” -Ricky Gervais

114. “Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.” -Ricky Gervais

115. “Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.” -Ricky Gervais

116. “Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.” -Ricky Gervais

117. “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (Funny quotes)

118. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” -Robin Williams

119. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

120. “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” -Robin Williams

121. “Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.” -Robin Williams

122. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” -Robin Williams

123. “Ah, yes, divorce… from a Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. ” -Robin Williams (Funny quotes)

124. “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

125.

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” -Dalai Lama

126. “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler (Funny quotes)

127. “I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West

128. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” -Phyllis Diller

129. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie

130. “As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett

131. “A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.’” —Roy Hartley (Funny quotes)

132. “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller

133. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

134. “Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. ” -Mark Twain (Funny quotes)

135. “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump

136. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” -Ronald Reagan

137. “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.”—Woody Allen (Funny quotes)

138. “Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood so that at least I’d have an excuse.” – Jimmy Fallon

139. “Laugh it off. There’s always another night.” —Steve Carell

140. “If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.” -Jimmy Fallon

141. “I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’ -Jimmy Fallon

142. “I’m going to the North Pole to help out Santa this year.” – Jimmy Fallon

143. “I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.” -Jimmy Fallon (Funny quotes)

144. “I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’ -Jimmy Fallon

145. “Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.” – Jimmy Fallon

146. “Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.” -Jimmy Fallon (Funny quotes)

147. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” -Alan Dundes

148. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” -Steven Wright

149. “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” -Thomas Sowell

150. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” —Dave Barry

151. ‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick

152.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” -Abraham Lincoln

153. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown

154. “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” -Erica Jong (Funny quotes)

155. “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” -Mark Twain

Funny quotes for kids

156. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

157. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” -A. A. Milne

158. “My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.’” —Emilia Clarke

159.“The possible is just the impossible that we’ve come to accept.” -Stewart Stafford

160. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” -Will Rogers

161. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” -Jim Carrey (Funny quotes)

162. “Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” –
P. J. O’Rourke

163. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” -Kyle Chandler

164. “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery (Funny quotes)

165. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” -Bryan White

166. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” -Franklin P. Jones

167. “You know the trouble with real life? There’s no dangerous music.” – Jim Carrey (Funny quotes)

168. “Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” -Helen Rowland

169. “Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.” —Aaron Karo

170. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin

171. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ‘- Thomas A. Edison (Funny quotes)

172. “As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.” -John Glenn

173. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” -Billie Burke

174. “I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.” – Jim Carrey (Funny quotes)

175. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” -Albert Einstein

176. “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.” -Marie Osmond (Funny quotes)

177. “I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges I’m holding onto are.” – Matt Bellassai

178. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth

179. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” -Jackie Mason

180. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” -Rodney Dangerfield

181. “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln (Funny quotes)

182. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” -Mitch Hedberg (Funny quotes)

183. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” -Mitch Hedberg

184. “Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” -Robert Brault

185. “Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.” -Bill Murray (Funny quotes)

186.

“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.” – Mark Twain

187. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” -Mark Twain

188. “I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” -Chris Rock

189. “If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” -Chris Rock

190. “Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher (Funny quotes)

191. “If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.” -Chris Rock

192. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” -Charlie Chaplin

193. “If you are hotter than me it means I’m cooler than you.” -Pakula Papito

194. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” -Groucho Marx

195. “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” -Dave Chappelle (Funny quotes)

196. “Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.” -Dave Chappelle

197. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” -Theodore Roosevelt (Funny quotes)

198. “I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.” – Pakula Papito

199. “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock (Funny quotes)

200. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” -Jerry Seinfeld

201. “What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.” – Jerry Seinfeld

202. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. -Jerry Seinfeld (Funny quotes)

203.

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde

204. “Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick

205. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” -Robert Frost

206. “The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either.” -Ricky Gervais

207. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” -Joan Rivers

208. “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” -Louis Agassiz

209. “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” —Sheila Lee

210. “Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” -Jim Davis (Funny quotes)

211. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield

212. “I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.” -Steven Wright

213. “I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.” -Jack Benny (Funny quotes)

214. “I was just viciously body-shamed by my mirror.” -Danny Zuker

215. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’—Anonymous

216. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why we recommend it daily.” -Zig Ziglar (Funny quotes)

217. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson

Inspirational funny quotes

218. “Bad decisions make good stories.” -Ellis Vidler

219. “A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.” -Steven Wright

220. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

221. “All generalizations are false, including this one.” -Mark Twain (Funny quotes)

222. “What’s another word for Thesaurus? ” -Steven Wright

223. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg

224. “What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’? By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” -Robert Frost

225. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry

226. “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” -Isaac Asimov (Funny quotes)

227. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller

228. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” -Steven Wright

229. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada (Funny quotes)

230. “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” -Albert Einstein

231. “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. ” -Steve Irwin

232. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott (Funny quotes)

233.

“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.” – Pablo Picasso

234. “Puns are the highest form of literature.” – Alfred Hitchcock (Funny quotes)

235. “You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey.

236. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” -Elbert Hubbard (Funny quotes)

237. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” -Thomas Edison (Funny quotes)

238. “I’ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don’t sit on a wall, if you’re an egg.” -Ricky Gervais

239. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous (Funny quotes)

240. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres

241. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

242. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

243. “Sane is boring.” -R.A. Salvatore (Funny quotes)

244. “I’m addicted to placebos.” -Steven Wright

245. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” (Funny quotes)

247. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

248. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers

249. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”― Will Rogers

250. “I live in my own little world. But it’s ok, they know me here.”― Lauren Myracle (Funny quotes)